Often times, without even realising it, I write into my stories aspects of my psyche or my life. In the case of my fan-fiction Darth Shadie: Lady of the Force, some of it was intentional, and some of it was wholly subconscious.
Darth Shadie or Jedi Eidahs is my alter ego, she is basically me, were I to exist in the Star Wars galaxy. The Jedi part is what I aspire to be, benevolent, in control of my chaotic emotions, while the Shadie is my shadow side, that darker side of myself, yet a part I do embrace. We all have a shadow self, and when you have a mental illness like CPTSD like me, it becomes more present at times. The fact that Shadie can take light and dark side abilities and create new ones is the birth of a new self with the self that was. Taking my good side and my illness side and creating a new me, not the me I was before I got sick, not the me I was because of the illness, but a new and improved me, and a me who loves myself, all sides of myself.
Agent Knarf is my husband’s alter ego whom I wrote into the story. A programmer in real life, more of a team lead or scrum master, it was only fitting to make him a slicer. The serene passion that Shadie and Knarf share is representative of the intense love I share with my husband, a love that can be both chaotic and harmonising. Now, at the end of Story one, Knarf is injured, he’s lost a part of one limb, and he could die if he does not receive he proper healing. This is indicative of the mental and emotional aspects of my mental illness which affects those around me, those who love me, those whom I love. What brings me down, the dark side, brings them down too. If the rage destroys me, it destroys them too. Every time I have an emotional flashback, it affects my husband, it drains him a bit. He feels my pain and hence he suffers when I suffer or lash out. As I heal however he heals too and without going into details that would be telling of Story 2 of my fan-fiction, the more I focus on the love side of myself, the more that love heals those around me too.
Darth Lahnius represents the abuse past, a reminder of that abuse. It is a fight with the part of the self that has emotional triggers, flashbacks and scars still attached to the narcissist who abused me. As I heal more and more of those aspects are let go and detached, but some still remain. The brain was controlled with brainwash and mind control, so it’S only normal that parts of it still feel connected in some way. The more I rewire my brain through healing techniques such as EFT, the less of these are present. In time, as with others who have experienced what I have, all these attached parts will detach and I will have defeated the abuse past, the Darth Lahnius, without the need to destroy the abuser himself.
So then who or what is Darth Kromus? Darth Kromus is the deep self, the part of the self that is hidden deep within. The battle with the self is the toughest battle of all and Kromus represents the rage that lives inside of me. He is what I could become were I to let rage take over me and decide to become a malevolent being. But since I am a moral person, I know this cannot happen. However, I have acted immorally towards myself in the past, through self-harm and self-punishment. Kromus is the monster that lives inside of me and I know I must learn to either quell that rage or live with it, learn to master it and control it so it becomes an ally, part of my good side for necessary moments, or be rid of it completely. That battle is still on-going, yet moving closer towards one outcome, but that would be telling of some spoilers from Story 2 of my fan-fic.
So I’ll just leave things at that for now. As for some of the other characters, well it’s a bit self-explanatory and I can’t wait to get into more of these stories to share them with you. I have new characters arriving in Story 2, even more in Story 3. More epic Sith to come, and more Mandalorians. Talyc has become one of my favourite characters, along with one who is presented in Story 2. And my favourite Sith is yet to come. But it all began with this Story right here. I hope you enjoyed it. And if all goes well, I’ll have Story 2 ready early next year. I’d like to put out two of these a year, but this year I’ll be publishing my fantasy novel Book 1, so look out for that in late 2018.
Which characters from this first fan-fic story were your favourites?
And here’s the video of this whole analysis!